[Writing/Life] How fear ruined my life

I have been involved in a deeply intimate relationship with fear. I am working to repair this so it is more in the back seat in my life, or rather I’d like to have it tied to the trunk as something I happen to gaze at in my rear view mirror while I extend the middle finger.

It controlled my life, my every movement for a decade.

Fear stole my identity, rationality, common sense. Fear put me in grave danger.

Fear tortured me. Fear kept me frozen in place bathing in toxicity.

Every move I made was to survive, to appease to just get through another day while inside another piece of my sanity, my soul, my heart and my life disappeared.

Fear pushed down every single truth I had been denying for a long time.

I tried breaking up with fear, I wrote it a letter and I meant every word. It went a way for a while and I started to unfold and return to the woman I once was before the chaotic effed up mess I was living in all those years.

I was happy. Life was opening up. I could see the possibility of what was to come. I was excited, exhilarated, dedicated to the path I had begun to follow. I started writing here, I planned trips, explored, kept training and life was fresh with adventure.

Fear hunted me. I could see it in the shadows, glimpses here and there. It was calling to my heart, trying to woo her. I held fast to my path and kept moving, trying not to look over my shoulder. I started to panic. I quickened my pace. It snuck up on me disguised as depression and exhaustion. It tackled me to the ground wrestled me into compliance. It pried open my mouth while I struggled against the binding, it forced the depression in and I felt it take over me, washing over my mind, heart body and soul. It ripped open my chest and took my beating heart out of its protective cavity. I watched it race in panic as it was consumed. The mind fog lowering until my view was nothing but a haze.

My vision was blurred from the distorted lens in my mind. I saw people I cared about in contrasting light, the good ones as evil, the evil ones as good. I fought with them all, not knowing who they were, who to trust.

Soon I realised I did not even recognise myself.

Fear pushed my head underwater until I lost consciousness, surrendered and complied. Being consumed by such a strong emotion put me in the worst danger of my life.

I grew disgusted and sickened by the person I was becoming. I missed my friends alienated from the twisted words pouring into my ears. Brainwashing me into believing a different facet of reality. A dialogue not my own.

The burden of hauling around hate, fear, resentment wore me down. I grew tired of being afraid. I grew tired of the constant stress. I grew tired of all the things I have to do each day in order to survive.

I rode a lot this year. During those rides, truths would come rushing up from the depth of my soul. Screaming at me to recognise them. I tried to ignore them but they became too loud and I could no longer pretend not to hear them. I pushed them back down to cover them up again but they wouldn’t stay down. Soon, each time I went out, I came home with more truths I tried desperately to hide them from view, hoping that they wouldn’t be noticed.

One day, on the side of a trail, the truth fell out of my mouth. I admitted it all to myself. Outloud. For the first time. Another day, in my garage I stopped while I was parking my car and screamed. I screamed that truth to myself at the top of my lungs, hot tears pouring down my face, my heart on fire, every limb shaking. When I stopped, the tears cool on my hot cheeks I felt a wave of relief swept over me. As if the truth itself summoned a cool comforting breeze.

At this point, the truth was following me everywhere as if they were helium balloons attached to my being in random places. Bobbing about, occasionally running into me. I ignored them as best I could, pushing the truth away as I had before only I knew they were all there. A new one added seemingly by the day. In the end, everything inside me broke open on a mountain top. The distorted glass destroyed, the depression gone, the mental fog dissipated. Standing in front of me was truth and clarity.

Now I am moving forward in each moment, loosening the ropes that bind fear to me. The light at the end of the tunnel knowing I am escaping the prison Fear has kept me in all this time.

I am not looking back. I have never been so done with anything in my life than I am now, steadily walking into the light.

 

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