So, the Big race started on Friday. It looks amazing. I have a lot of mixed feelings fluttering about lately, about MTB, the big race and am an overall metamorphic blob of the feel-skees.
Confession 1: I booked time off literally a few days before Day 0 of the big race and I backed out. Again. Quite frankly I didn’t train and I felt like my life would napalm if I went.
Kudos to the company I am working for though, they didn’t even bat an eyelash because it’s a trip of a lifetime, a personal bucket list item and quite frankly crazy pants. That blew me away so I have all kinds of lovey dovey stuff going on for them right now.
Confession 2: I deeply regret not going.
Today is day 4 of the big race and I realise I was totally right, I could have done this race. My fears about climbing, fitness levels and such were real & valid but had I shown up, I would have made it. In fact, I think I would have rocked it and I would have hauled a lot of people down with more stoke than one can imagine.
I turn inward snarling with a raised fist, a megaphone and shout “Hey Fraud Police!!! Yeah, you! Over there, in my brain with the big mouths and hurtful words…. thanks for holding me back…. again. Oh, I see you too Fear, ducking behind the fraud police, you are just as guilty as those a-holes you are hiding behind.” Promptly giving my awful inner dialogue the extended middle finger.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I am hurting right now. In many ways. From the on-going race and pangs of heart ache, I am experiencing to bad local MTB updates. News broke on July 6 of some tampering done on the trails, someone got badly hurt and their bike was stolen. It sucks. It was on one of the most popular trails where I ride, everyone loves it. Naturally, the community is upset. After which another report from Calgary where someone embedded nails into a bike trail that meanders by the river. Lots of trail reports flying in as other riders check out the trails to ensure no one else gets hurt. Lots of speculation on both incidents. I went out to ride this last weekend and a new sense of comradery took over the parking lot and everyone I passed by.
Lastly, there are BC wildfires are blazing like crazy and for the third natural disaster in 3 years it sucks to sit and watch this happen. I feel so disconnected from everything. It feels as though I am watching a wall of TV screens where events are flickering over and I can only watch, my responses are almost a secondary action, the moment I get a grasp of what is happening in front of me the scene changes. It is completely surreal.
I am a mixed bag of emotion right now. From my perch I cheer on those participating in the BCBR, I mourn the space of my absence, outrage at the maliciousness of humans, I feel concern for those who are hurting, I ache for the families being displaced by these wildfires, loneliness for the friends I haven’t seen, a yearn to disconnect & reconnect.
This is as if I am unplugging and replugging my life force into different wall sockets within the universe hoping for a connection and only receiving a flash of life from the cosmos before darkness.
In other news….stay tuned! Scheduled post to publish tomorrow!!