Not Okay

I am not okay right now.

I can tell you what I am right now: disappointed, sad, and a little angry. Maybe a lot angry.

Admittedly, I am feeling a lot more of those 3 emotions than I can describe.

These are all okay things to feel so long as they don’t consume me.

Let’s break them down.

Disappointment

I am disappointed for a few reasons, the most predominant ones are the big race is in a few weeks, my fitness/training, mental state.

My doctor for the last year advised me in December 2016 to give up my seat on the big race as I was too mentally unstable to do it. Suffering from trauma, depression, PTSD, and huge life changes take the time to recover from. So I sent the resignation e-mail and fell further into depression. I ate more, I moved less.

Dirt season came onto the horizon and I promptly signed up for all the things, quickly rediscovering how much I love riding. The accomplishment afterwards and how much more in control I am in my mind. I did my first race. I found something inside that race, the ability to persevere and expand inside myself, with my body and my mind. I realised how much my mind protects me from my external environment and myself. I also discovered how empty my being felt without that race in front of me, how much it meant to me. I know I was no rock star finisher but I know I can do better now. I know I can finish that big race.

I am disappointed in my current state of physical fitness, I have spent the last 6 years shedding the weight of my life, the restrictions I had put on my body and my mind because “I was not enough“. I had trained to become stronger, mentally focused and confident. To overcome my thought pattern blockages.

In my depression fall/winter 2016, I lost so much muscle mass and cardio I find it restrictive now when I try and do anything. I now have an addiction to being a couch potato, the one thing I was fighting the last 6 years. I am disappointed I am addicted to doughnuts, being sedentary and a bitter state.

Sadness

I am sad because I stopped listening to my inner voice. My wise self. I chose to step down.

No one knows how hard I am taking that motion. No one knows how important biking and that race was for me.

I am mourning that person I had become, the person I wanted to be. I am not her. She is lost.

I am mourning the loss of my space and placement in life.

Anger

I am angry because, with all of life,¬†there are choices, I am angry with myself for stepping down. I am angry with myself for becoming this chubby little mountain goat. I am angry because I want to ride and I stopped myself. I am angry for not accomplishing a goal and purposely stepping away from it. I am angry for thinking I wasn’t enough, convincing myself and everyone else I am not enough.

 

I am caught in not enough.

This cycle of not enough. I am not skilled enough. I am not fit enough. I am not strong enough. I am not good enough. I am not skinny enough. I am not young enough. I am not intelligent enough. I am not wealthy enough.

On and on it goes. It makes me angry. I hear the phrase in my head and I feel that anger surge throughout me. A part of me is screaming for that voice to shut up. This warrior part of myself rises up inside my mind, bearing an axe and shield. She begins slicing the fraud police apart. She is a part of that inner voice, that part of me I keep buried down deep in the depths. She is the part of me that is tired of letting fear dictate my life, play it safe. She comes forth shrieking with her battle cry.

When they say, “another day, another time” I feel her rise to her feet. There is only this day. This time. If I do not move now I will submit to the pacification, I will feel myself sink into submission and reinforce the chains that bind her.

She is how I know I can finish that race and do anything. She is me, the real me. The not afraid part of me. The one who pleases no one. The determination. The ray of hope. She is unfiltered, raw, strong, beautiful and embodies the true soul.The wildling who wants to be set free. The one chained inside my rib cage and only flies when we are alone. Out there. In the woods. Slaying dragons.

Waiting

Now, I wait. I breathe slowly and I wait.

I wait for tomorrow, the day that will soon be today and yesterday will not exist. Hopefully, the memory of today’s feelings fade into the background and become as still as a meadow on a cool summer morning.

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