A few weeks ago I wanted to write on all the things I had learned walking through life alone these last few months. I realized I couldn’t publish until after the September long weekend.
My life changed in fourteen hours. Entirely.
Suddenly life as it was would never be again.
It took a long time to come to terms with it. Like learning to walk, the first few steps are weebly-wobbley and the occasional face plant. Slowly, steadily, the weebles peter out and suddenly there is the realization that walking is fine but now running is entirely possible.
I realized fear has held many of my holding patterns. I stayed comfortable, in place, making myself as small as possible in life so I wouldn’t take up space and be less of an inconvenience, trying to do all the things for everyone’s happiness but my own. This “comfort zone” put me in more danger than doing all the things that I wanted to do. I realized I didn’t want to spend another day waiting to live my life. I was tired of being miserable. I was tired of being an inconvenience. I wrote a break up letter to the most dangerous thing in my life, Fear.
I put all my excuses aside, all the road blocks, fears, put the “fraud police” on the back burner and I’m doing everything flying solo.
Recently, I returned from a 3 day road trip to a different province to mountain bike. I needed to know I can handle myself alone, in the woods, where everything can go wrong. I made myself entirely vulnerable by renting a basement suite in someone’s home, explored the town and the forests alone. I knew no one where I was going, with only a vague idea of where I needed to go.
I have never had a better 3 days off. The only agenda I had was to ride, everything else was gravy. I met lots of people on & off the trail, I spoke to locals & visitors. The look of amazement when I dove into my story a little bit was eye opening. I took “risks” that I normally wouldn’t do with a friend, I pushed myself harder, I went further and I realized that I accommodate myself for the comfort of others. When there is no one to accommodate I have nothing else to be but myself.
On the road. On the trail. In the restaurant. Alone at the bar. Myself.
I never thought I’d be able to make new friends as a fully grown adult but within the last few weeks I’ve made new friends.The conversations I have are amazing. I am more willing to speak to strangers because I don’t have anyone or anything to hide behind. There is nothing else but me, the only person who will be there my whole life with limitless possibilities. I’ve never been so content walking away from fear and not looking back.