[Writing/Life] Threshold

“When you refuse your path for too long the universe will come along and hit you with a semi-truck to force onto the path you are supposed to take” My wise friends voice and laughter coming through the earpiece on the phone. Upon hearing her words, I winced in pain as tears sprung to my eyes, the accident fresh in my mind. Humility embraced me.

~

Friday, deep in doubt and vulnerability I launched Prairie Raven to my friends and family.

Saturday I curled up with doubt on my couch.

Sunday, I left my house with resolute in crushing the preselected route. Instead, I suffered a minor anxiety attack on the trail caused from flashbacks from traumatic past events. This was triggered by the sound of a breath being forced out of a man’s mouth from physical exercise. My breath could be heard for some distance as my lungs desperately clamoured for more oxygen while my heart felt as though it was wrapped up in one thousand ropes, each of those ropes being pulled by someone. A dam broke inside me filled with emotions overstimulating my already out of control mind. It took some time to regain control of my mind, then my breathing, my heart and finally my emotional state. The event took it’s toll, however, a lot was learned in those chaotic minutes from something as practical as my skill level to realizing I gained control of myself alone.

This weekend I stepped further away from the security and safety of normality & every day life.

I broke through my safe thresholds.

Like an egg I cracked my life open further and exposed the tenderness of my being and the path that lay before me.


~

Monday I took myself on a second date to celebrate the launch of Prairie Raven, facing the fear, navigating the mental episode on the track,  as well as the skill & speed executed on the trail.

In true form not only could I not find the restaurant I had selected earlier, I walked in the polar opposite direction of its location. Checking my phone occasionally google maps kept telling me I was at my destination but I could not see it. After walking 3 blocks and having no luck I called a friend and had them navigate me to the restaurant which happened to be where I parked, a few steps from the door.

I chose the corner table near the bar for due to the fact that it higher seats. Elevated seating makes me uncomfortable due to my lack of height and my lack of coordination. Since I am living out of my comfort zone I needed the challenge. I took my seat. I gazed at the menu, placed my order based on the recommendation of the staff (another nod to living outside my comfort level) & pulled out my favourite book. My server came by and placed the glass of scotch (neat) beside my tall glass of water. I gazed at it a moment before I took a sip, the flavours rolled around my tastebuds, my lips instantly flushed, a smile curled around my mouth and my skin tingled as the heat warmed my throat and belly. I love simplicity.

super-salad

My food arrived and it startled me, it was served on a board with what looked like meat wallpaper dobbled with white blobs and toasted baguette slices. I peered suspiciously at the meat wallpaper and poked it with my fork utterly perplexed at how I was supposed to eat this food. Daintily I took my knife and fork, cut off a corner of the meat wallpaper and ate it. It was cold and kind of gooeyish, I was extremely uncomfortable. I choked the first bite down. I tried it again by smearing the meat wallpaper onto the baguette looking cracker and it tasted better only as soon as I bit into the cracker the food went flying into my hair, down my chest and the food that was in my mouth plopped onto my lap. Entirely not lady-like, far from graceful and I burst out giggling. I laughed at the fact I had no idea what I ordered, I wondered if this was a hipster thing and chortled at the pompous dish. I texted a friend asking how to eat it and the response “There is no proper way to eat it” I decided the baguette crackery things were shovels and the meat wallpaper was dip and I decided to scoop it all up and shovel it in like a lady. I discovered the pickles hidden by the bread which was by far the best part of the meal.

As I slothed the food into my gullet in the fastest way possible and as I pushed my plate away I noticed my own endearing qualities and became enamoured with these subtle nuances of my being. I realized I had never been happier in my life, and I was in the best company I could ever wish for. Smiling, I mused silently to myself as I peered out over the crowd, listening to their comradery, their laughter and the song of their conversations as they melted together deep in the hum of the evening. Inspiration hit me, a tsunami wave of words and images. I realized the first time since my accident not only could I read,  I could write! I made a mental note to write as soon as I got home. In the meantime, I nursed my drink, as I continued to read, think and reflect. A few hours passed and many glasses of water later I paid the bill and went home.


Upon my arrival, I noticed a tool case on my countertop. I wondered where it had come from and what was in it. Cautiously  I made my way over to the mysterious black box resting conspicuously on the granite. As I came around to the side I saw there were 2 silver tabs between the handle with arrows pointing towards each other. I pushed the silver tabs towards one another and lifted the lid.

I stopped breathing.

My heart stopped beating.

My jaw dropped.

My hands leapt to my lips as if in prayer.

Tears sprung from my eyes.

Alone in my kitchen, paused in astonishment and filled with gratitude.

It was the perfect moment.


Much later I went to my room and I realized my friend was right, my life was hit by a semi-truck and I landed on my true path.

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